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Grief during the 2020 Holidays
It’s dawning on me that this roller coaster of a year is almost to a close. The year that brought us empty grocery store shelves; new normals like social distancing and accessorizing with a face mask; schools and jobs shutting down; and in short, life interrupted. There wasn’t any area that COVID-19 didn’t touch during this long and emotionally fraught year. And as one last hurrah, it’s given us the grand finale, the 2020 Holiday Season.
Every aspect of the year has been different than the normal. Of course the holidays wouldn’t be any different. Gathering has taken on whole new implications. During a time that would normally be festive...full of friends, and family, and food, and fun. This strange new time is making holiday season look much different. This can be just one more terribly hard to bear thing on top of any other personal situations we find ourselves in.
And grief may be the end result.
Grief is associated primarily with death, but any form of loss can bring on this very big emotion. People can grieve the loss of people that haven’t left this world, but have left them in one way or another. People can also grieve a traumatic experience, something that shook their realities to it’s core. And during the holidays the weight of grief can become even heavier.
Grief is the elephant in the room during the holidays. Feelings of great loss and sadness during a time that is supposed to be Merry may be hard to contain. The greeting, “Merry Christmas”, almost mandates you to be full of joy. But for some people it doesn’t feel joyful. They may feel joyless. They may be going through the motions...or refraining from going through any motions. The depths of a person’s pain can be so far reaching that the holidays can feel almost unbearable in it’s cheer.
This is all especially true for this year. This has been a year that has brought many dramatic and uncertain changes to our world. And it has taken from us the ability to look forward with optimism. The question of what tomorrow looks like feels unanswerable. And in the midst of all that uncertainty 2020 has again taken from us…stealing the traditions of our celebrations and holidays.
But it’s not all doom and gloom.
While our grief may be especially palatable this year, there are many ways we can manage it during this holiday season.
1. Acknowledge your feeling
The holidays are going to be different this year. And that’s going to be tough. It’s important to be honest with ourselves and others about how we are feeling. It takes the pressure off of feeling the need to pretend we’re “fine”. By accepting who we are where we are, we can be ourselves, however that is for you in that moment.
2. Reach Out
Having people to talk to during our struggles is always important, but especially when it comes to dealing with emotions such as grief. Don’t be afraid to reach out to people you trust and tell them how you’re doing. It is very important to stay connected to others, and to avoid the tendency to isolate or pretend you’re fine. Find a support group you can be honest and open with, even if it’s just one other person.
3. Be Realistic
This is going to be a very different holiday season than the seasons before. Don’t feel pressure to make it perfect. Find a few traditions to hold onto this holiday season, and be open to creating new ones. For example, if your adult children or other relatives can't come to your home, find new ways to celebrate together, such as sharing pictures, emails or videos. Or meet virtually on a video call. Even though your holiday plans may look different this year, you can find ways to celebrate.
4. Be Understanding
This has been a hard year for most of us. Some days we may struggle to be motivated, we may feel sad, we may get angry. It’s important that we be honest about these experiences, and are proactively working through them. Talking to people in your life about why you reacted certain ways, and apologizing when necessary are important steps to process what emotions we are experiencing. It’s also important to be understanding that others may also be struggling with their emotional regulation during this time. Remember not everyone will grieve how you do. Be patient with others and listen to their struggles. Sometimes the best way out of our own grief is by helping others around us.
5. Learn to say No and Plan Ahead
You do not have to obligate yourself to anything. Discuss plans for the holidays ahead of time with the people you most want to spend it with, and ensure everyone is on the same page about plans. Don’t feel the need to make extra visits that don’t serve your mental and emotional well-being. If ever there was a great excuse for opting out of gatherings you don’t want to attend, this year has given us that. Don’t be afraid to say No.
6. Don’t Abandon Healthy Habits
It’s easy to slip into unhealthy habits and routines when we aren’t feeling our best. That’s especially true during grief. Commit to daily self care, and interactions with people you care about. It’s important to prioritize yourself during your grieving, so you can begin the process of healing. These little moments will help sustain you during that process
7. Take a Breather
Self care can sometimes mean you need to let yourself sleep the day away, avoid the phonecalls, or cry your eyes out. That’s okay. Let yourself have moments to fall apart or rest. But be mindful that you don’t reside in these habits too long and too often, and they become part of an unhealthy routine.
8. Get professional help if you need it.
If you see that you have slipped into unhealthy routines and you are struggling to pull yourself out, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are many resources available to help people that are struggling with depression from grief. Below this article are resources you can look into to find out more.